Johnny has been to a birthday party, and knowing his weakness, his mother looked him straight in the eyes and said, “I hope you didn’t ask for a second piece of (vegan) cake.” So, Johnny said, “No, no, no, I didn’t. I only asked Mrs. Jones for the recipe so you could make some more like it at home. And she gave me two more pieces.”
So clever. No need to ask anything, just say, “Wow, your (vegan) cake is great.” Just like you. You don’t beg me to see you or read a story for you or anything, but you say, “Master, the story You told was so good.”
Parents spend the first part of a child’s life urging him to walk and talk, and the rest of his childhood making him sit down and keep quiet. It’s true, huh? (Yes.)
There was a Liverpool fan with a really crappy seat at Anfield – you know, Liverpool, the football team– looking with some binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the halfway line. Thinking to himself, “What a waste,” he made his way down to the empty seat. The fan. And when he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, “Is this seat taken?” So, the man said, “This was my wife’s seat. She passed away recently. She was a big Liverpool fan.” Liverpool is one of the teams in England. “I’m so sorry to hear of your loss,” said the first man. “May I ask why you didn’t give her ticket to a friend or a relative?” And then a second man replied, “Because they are all at her funeral right now.”
No words to say anything. If you want to marry a football fan, think twice. That’s the moral of the story. Oh, gosh. Are you football fans, guys? No. (No.) No? (I may watch sometimes.) You watch sometimes. I sometimes watch the World Cup. Yes. I like it when it’s something exciting, like the World Cup, or the big ones, sometimes, but on TV only. I don’t like to go there and risk my life.
There was a lazy boy. He was not willing to do anything at all, so nobody wanted to hire him. As time went by, he could live no longer. No money. So, he asked one of his friends to introduce him to get an easier job. The introducer thought for a moment, and then he said, “You go to take care of the graveyard. There is no job easier than that.” So, the lazy boy went to work happily. But in a few days, he came back again, complaining, “I won’t do it.” So, the friend asked, “But why?” He said, “It’s unfair to do this job because I’m the only one who stands and works, and they’re all lying there.” Lazy people. How can they be more lazy than he?
A third grader. What is a third grader? Tell me. (Primary.) How many years in school? (Three.) A third grader. (Three.) (Three years.) Three years? (Yes.) Like primary school? (Yes.) OK. After kindergarten. Right? (Yes.) And then one, two, three years? (Yes.) OK, OK, thank you. That’s everywhere like that? (No.) Or just America? (America.) (America) America is like that. How about England? Nobody from England? (We have primary one, primary two, like that.) I see, like that, OK. Primary one, primary two. Right, good.
A third grader, or primary three, went home and told her mother she was in love with a classmate and was going to marry him. She was probably eight years old or something? (Yes.) (Just about.) So the mother said, “That is OK. But…” She played with the flow, “That’s OK, but does he have a job?” So, the little girl said, “Yes, yes. He erases the blackboard in our class.” That’s so cute.
I adopted a kid, well not in my name. She doesn’t like a single mother, boring. She stays with some family, her friends, [she] has an instant family with a brother, sister, and a mother that stays at home cooking, the father goes to work, those traditional, lovely romantic families. So anyway, when we were first together, I took her to the kindergarten, of course. The first day she came home from school, she announced grandly to everybody that all the boys in the school fell in love with her. So cute. She was like three or four years old.
A visitor said to the house host, “Does your baby brother talk yet?” So Johnny says, “He doesn’t have to. He gets everything he wants by yelling.”
There were two brothers. Johnny and Joe lived with their mother and a cat(-person), also named… What’s here? Joss. OK? A cat(-person) named Joss. Johnny, Joe, and Joss, the cat(-person). Johnny was particularly attached to the cat(-person), and when he had to leave town for several days, he left Joe careful instructions about how to care for Joss, the cat(-person). At the end of his first day, John telephoned his brother. “How is Joss doing?” The cat(-person). So, Joe said, “Joss is dead.” Oh! He answered.
So, there was a very long silence, and then John said, “Joe, you are so insensitive. You knew how I loved Joss. You should have broken the news to me slowly. When I asked about Joss tonight, you should have said, ‘Joss was on the roof, but I have called the fire department to get him down.’ And tomorrow, when I call again, you should have said that the firemen were having trouble getting him down, but you thought they would succeed. And then when I called again, the third time, you could have told me that the firemen had done their best, but unfortunately, Joss had fallen off the roof and was at the vet’s office. And when I called the fourth time, you could have said he had died. Then I would have been more prepared. And this is the way a sensitive man should behave and tell me about Joss, my beloved cat(-person). And, oh, before I forget,” John asked, “How is our mother doing?” So, Joe began to say, “Ahem, Mother was on the roof…” You know the rest. (Yes.) You like it, huh? (Yes.)
A six-year-old ran up and down the supermarket shouting frantically, “Mary, Mary, Mary!” So finally, the mother is reunited with him. And the mother told him, “You shouldn’t call me by my name Mary. I’m your mother, you know that?” So, the child said, “I know, but the supermarket is full of mothers.” It’s so logical. Very good. (Yes!) (It’s funny.) Give him an “A” for that.
An absent-minded person met another person on the street… in the street, and... Is it “on” the street or “in” the street? (On the street.) Here, it’s written “in the street” to confuse me. Bad paper. …on the street and said, “Dear me, how have you changed so much? You once had a rosy face, but now you are pale. You were tall, but now you are quite short. Dear, dear, dear me, Mr. Johnny, you have really changed.” “But I’m not Mr. Johnny,” the person said. “Wow, my God, you even changed your name!” Some more? (Yes.) (Yes.)
Johnny went to the bathhouse to have a bath. The attendant asked him to solve a riddle. “Please tell me who he is.” Oh, we already said that. Similar, similar. You know, Tony Blair. You got it? Yeah. (Yes.) (No.) No? I told that joke? (Yes.) I did? Or not? (Yes, You did.) (Yes, Master.) When? (Two days ago.) (A couple of days, couple of days.) A couple of days ago? (Yes.) OK, cool. Then we don’t have to tell that [joke]. I even wrote here “repeated.”
While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligator(-people) kept him clinging to the overturned boat. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any gator(-people) around here?” Florida is full of alligator(-people). (Yes.) Is something wrong? (Oh, no, Master.) He was screaming. “Any alligator(-people) around here?” “No,” the man screamed back. “They haven’t been around for years.” So, feeling very safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there, he asked the guy, “How have you got rid of the gator(-people)?” So, the beachcomber said, “We didn’t do anything. The shark(-people) got them.” Always go the extra mile. (Yes.) Ask carefully.
OK, I had this one already. Joke about marriage. “The best way for a man to remember his wife’s birthday is to forget it, just once.” She will remind you. It’s cool, no? You all know about that. You have a similar wife? (Similar wife.) Don’t have? Why do you laugh so much? What do you know about a wife? (Previous one.) A previous one? (Yes.) Yeah? (Yes.) Oh, that’s OK, too. At least you have experience. (Yes.) OK. It’s not that all the wives are like that, is it? (No.) I never reminded my former husband of my birthday. He’s not here anyway.
OK, we continue. Being a husband is like any other job. It helps a lot if you like your boss. Oh, my God. Scare all the bachelors away. It’s not so bad like that. You can try it, and then you tell me. Have a girlfriend? (No.) Not yet even, no. You can try it, and then you tell me.
Photo Caption: “Good to Upgrade Your House Here, But Remember the True HOME Has Always Been Perfect and Waiting for You”
