One day, two schoolgirls went to the library to review lessons. Kate was helping Lily with the revision. “What’s the meaning of this word?” So, Lily scratched her head and said, “I forgot. Beats me (idiom for ‘I don’t know’).” So, Kate beat Lily and then told her the meaning of the word. A few days later, they went to the library together again. Kate asked Lily again the meaning of that word. Lily scratched her head again and said, “I only remember that you beat me.”
One day, a little girl said to her mom, “Mom, you’ve got a few gray hairs.” Her mom said, “Every time you are naughty, one of my hairs go gray.” We got that already, huh? The girl said, “No wonder Grandma has so many gray hairs.”
Anything good here? A man said, “I can’t eat this food. Call the manager.” So the waitress said, “It’s no use, sir. He cannot eat it either.”
We went to the cemetery to pay respect to my mother-in-law. We bought big bunches of chrysanthemums in downtown and put them before mother-in-law’s tomb. My son asked his dad, “Why buy this type of flowers only?” So, dad said. “It is because people come to graveyards only with chrysanthemums.” So, the boy asked again, “Did Grandma really, really like chrysanthemum?” Dad said, “I don’t know.” My son turned to me and said, “Mom, I know you like baby’s breath flowers. I will buy them for you after you die.” I replied helplessly, “You can buy it now, not wait until that moment.”
A meek little man timidly touched the arm of a man putting on an overcoat in a restaurant. “Excuse me, sir, but do you happen to be Mr. Smith of New Orleans?” The guy said, “No, I’m not. Why?” And this timid man said, “Oh, well, you see, I am, and that’s his coat that you are putting on.” Not funny, huh?
At a job interview, the boss asked a woman, “How many kids do you have?” She said, “Five.” The boss asked, “What are their names?” She replied, “Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny and Johnny.” The boss said, “All of them are called Johnny? So what to do when you call them to have meals?” So she said, “It’s easy. I call Johnny once, and they will all come.” The boss asked again, “If you want to call a specific kid, what to do?” So she said, “It’s easier. I call their surnames.” (Oh…) Different fathers. (Yes.) OK. Oh, everybody knows. My God, you’re so smart. Such smart kids you are.
Husband said to the wife, “Would you have married me if my father had not left a large amount of money?” The wife said, “I would, no matter who left you a lot of money.” Good, huh?
“Training Dog(-people).” An expensively dressed lady was selecting fruit. Her dog(-person) was licking the apples on the shelf, one after another. The boss was a little annoyed, but still politely asked the lady to watch her dog(-person). So she at once shouted at the dog(-person) strictly, “Stop licking! The apples are not washed. They’re dirty.” I would do the same to my dog(-people).
A customer: “What flavors of (vegan) ice cream do you have?” A hoarse-voiced waiter said, “Vanilla, strawberries and chocolate.” Customer: “Do you have laryngitis?” The waiter said, “No, just vanilla, strawberry and chocolate.”
A shop customer: “The way food prices are going up, it soon will be cheaper to eat the money.”
A waiter said to a customer, “Would you like your coffee black, sir?” The customer said, “What other colors do you have?”
A customer asked the waitress, “What’s this fly doing in my soup?” So, the waitress said, “Swimming.” What else, huh?
The son asked father, “Is it true, Dad, that men in some African countries don’t know their wives until they get married?” So, the father said, “Yeah, but not only in Africa – all over the world.” (Yes.) You know it. All of the men know that. Big mistake. Oops.
A customer complained, “Waitress, why is my donut all smashed?” So the waitress said, “You said you wanted a cup of coffee and a donut. And step on it!” (Oh…) It means “quick,” but she stepped on the donut. Yeah, yeah.
A friend of mine was complaining about her husband angrily. Suddenly, she turned to her little son, asking, “If mommy and daddy have a quarrel, which side will you stand by?” Thinking for a little while, the boy said firmly, “I will stand aside.” Very smart. (Yes.)
A sick-looking patient said to the doctor, “The wild dog(-people) outside my window kept barking through the night. I’m driven crazy.” The doctor prescribed some sleeping pills for him. A week later, the patient came back and looked more sick. So, the doctor asked, “The sleeping pills don’t work?” The patient replied in a low, low voice, “I run after the dog(-people) every... I ran after the dog(-people) every night and caught only one, but he didn’t take the pills.”
A girl came home from a ball held at school, and her mother asked how she enjoyed herself. So she said that it was OK, but two boys fought for her. The mother was happy, thinking that her daughter was welcome. The daughter then said, “Neither of the boys would like to dance with me, so they pushed each other to me.” Fight for her.
A friend asked the other, “When does your wife have the fewest words?” So, the friend said, “In February.” The first friend said, “But why?” The second friend said, “Because there are only 28 days.” They really hate us, huh? (Yes.) We are too pretty and smart, that’s why.
A customer complained, “This food isn’t fit for a pig(-person)!” So, the waiter said, “I’m sorry, sir. I will bring you some that is.” Terrible.
A policeman was searching for those who didn’t wear a safety helmet at the crossing. Soon he stopped an elderly man who didn’t wear a helmet. So, the policeman said, “Sir, don’t you know that you would be fined for not wearing a helmet?” The elderly man said, “Why do I have to wear it? When I fought in the 8-23 battle, I survived without a helmet. Why should I wear a helmet riding a motorcycle?” The policeman said, “The bullets haven’t got eyes, but I have.”
John: “Look, Joe, why are you always trying to impress me? So you spoke to the waiter in French. So, big deal. So what good is it to know French? What did he tell you, waiter?” So, the waiter said, “He told me to give you the bill, sir.”
Peggy went to church with her parents. The priest was describing the situation of doomsday. He said, “At that time, thunder, lightning and disasters will fall from Heaven with the rising sea water, floods, explosions, etc., etc.” So, Peggy asked suddenly, “Will schools also have holidays at that time?”
Middle age is when you know all the answers, but nobody asks you anymore. Nobody asks questions.
“Three states of man: Youth, middle age, and ‘you are looking fine.’” Where are we? “Looking fine”?
“There are three ways to tell if you are getting old: First, a loss of memory; second, what… what was it?”
“The hardest decision in life is when to start middle age.” You decide. When? Don’t care. Oh man, talking of middle age is so depressing.
This will be some of the last jokes, then we’ll do something else. Otherwise, we lose the humor already.
One day, John went fishing by the riverside and was spotted by a policeman. The policeman went over and asked, “Don’t you see the sign? ‘No fishing here. Violators will be fined $1000.’” So, John defended, “I’m not fishing, but taking my worm swimming in the water for fun.” Seeing the little boy decline the charge, the policeman continued, “Sir, your worms are not wearing swimsuits. So according to the regulations, they are to be fined $500.”
Offense. Offensive in the public. A pretty girl driving a car… I don’t know if it’s good… stopped before a traffic light in the downtown for a long time, and was not leaving. So, the policeman watched her for a while, and at last, he went over and asked, “Madam, don’t you like any of the colors of the traffic lights?”
Photo Caption: “Send Prayers to MaPa Through Cloud Nine May This Unworthy Realm Turn into a Blissfilled Paradise”
